It is unnerving to be around a narcissistic person. There is something in their energy, manner and look that shouts entitlement. The discomfort of witnessing the separateness of their whole being, contrasting with the artificial outward friendliness and ease resonates on a deep level. If we are connected to one another in the form of a network via emotions and social relations, the sociopath for instance would be the one trying and hunting on the people on the outer edge, taking what they want, and retreating. They are much like wild predators preying on the young and weak of the herd that are left behind. They do not belong to the network, they know it and we know innately that there is something wrong with the sociopath. We are almost immediately aware that we are dealing with an alien.
Narcissists on the other hand, exist at the very core of the network, much like a parasite inside, or a cancerous cell. They consume the energies that connect them to this network, endlessly. They find and occupy the critical junctures inside, as a means to secure their supply so that they’ll never fall out. They can’t exist on the outside like a sociopath, the network is their life blood. There is almost a strategic plan in achieving and occupying those positions. The humans that would bind them to their targets are found, nurtured, exploited, and discarded when no longer of use, as they make their way into the depths of the web. Much like an artificial intelligence copying, learning and being better at it with time, with experience, they get better at finding better targets and being more secure in their existence and creating an illusion of being a vital part of the organism while sucking it dry. This illusion is a simple message: “You are nothing without me.” And the more interesting part is, most of them actually believe that, most of them are not aware that they are an anomaly. Otherwise their existence would be a paradox and simply could not be.
Nature is a wonderful phenomenon. It is home, it is what ties us to the physical realm that exists and we exist within it. Everything in nature happens for a reason and nothing is obsolete. Then what is the purpose of narcissism in human society? What caused it? How come it is all we hear now?
Other social animals don’t seem to have such a problem. If someone puts their own agendas ahead, they kick them out. If someone tries to exploit another, they fight them to death. Wellbeing of the pack is important, because it equates “survival” and offsprings are protected at all costs. Most importantly, in the nature, the sixth sense is needed tremendously to survive and as a result it is more developed in other animals. They are better attuned to the invisible frequencies that warn them to prolong their lifespan. They would nearly smell the narcissism, and immediately eradicate it.
Then, is it due to the fact that as our relationship with nature weakens, our sixth sense weakens and our judgements are blurred? Because instead of eradicating what is crippling us, threatening our survival and harming our offsprings, we tend to make them our leaders, partners, co- parents, friends. Is there a point in all this? Is it Nature giving us the finger and providing us with a big red “self-destruct” button after what we have done to her? Are we on our way to extinction, so that better species can replace us? Is it a self protection mechanism of Nature to deal with its stubborn, wayward inhabitants that no longer live according to its rules after all the warnings that she gave? Is it our last exit?
I’ve come across an article (1) that details the increase in narcissistic traits in Western and individualistic countries while researching its subject matter. A study done on American college students indicated %30 NPI increase (Narcissistic Personality Inventory) between 1979 and 2006. As expected, the more collective oriented Japanese culture has lower rates compared to Western societies. But I’ve also found it interesting that urban areas have higher rates compared to rural areas. Perhaps the narcissist gravitates towards urban living or perhaps close contact with nature balances our identities and provides us with a sense of realistic “I’m no more important than a grain of sand in the grand scheme of things” idea in its presence. Their first reference also seems like an interesting book that explores the roots of this increase, and ties it to the Self- Love culture of the USA while warning about the existence of many facets contributing to this epidemic (2).
So whatever the reasons, we have a problem. What do we do? We bicker. Everywhere. Victims dealing with narcissists, narcissists pretending to be victims, attention seeking codependent people claiming to be victims accusing regular people of narcissism, narcissists and sociopaths boasting about their privileges going about life carefree and their immense material wealth obtained abusing and exploiting people, self proclaimed empaths boasting about their extraordinary skills dealing with the narcissists and completely unaware of the irony, narcissists educating people about “their kind” with endless analysis and categorizations as if there is a great mystery in narcissism to help victims (out of the goodness of their hearts of course, what else?), narcissistic opportunist doing pretty much the same thing because it’s the thing that would get them rich… There is already a whole new industry. Right with the wrong, just with the unjust, without discernment, we consume the new drug.
And then there are psychologists and life coaches. Invariably nearly all are supposed past victims/survivors of narcissists, having acquired a skill set based on doing an incredible amount of body of research on the subject to overcome their own struggles, now trying to arm people with tools against this evil kind of humans, always with a tint of resentment and disgust towards the narcissistic enemy and grief of their past lives in their voice. Are they objective? If a narcissist as a child of women and men walked through their door asking for help, would they help them? Sincerely?
The “narcissist experts” I’ve come across claim a narcissist would almost never do that, that is “ask for help”, at least willingly, and most importantly they claim that narcissists are beyond help, they are incurable. So what are our choices as a society? If there is no healing and we are arming against one another, eyeing each other, looking for signs of “narcissistic traits” , tainted with our prejudices and quick to label attitudes, what would it result in? Are we mimicking the animal packs to eradicate the “unnatural”, is this behavior finally aligned with our nature? If so, is it our sixth sense guiding us; or our anxious hyper vigilance that is ready to put a bullet through the first person making the slightest move? Will that bullet put an end to this epidemic?
I wonder, is there any good to having these parasites in our society? Do they have a function, to being with? Perhaps their emotionless, self indulgent personalities have a place in the network to be put to good use. An occupation, for instance that should be done strictly without reference to anyone’s emotions, with a steady hand and knife-like precision. A surgeon perhaps? Or an astronaut. Please, anything but a politician or a leader that would readily use its immense power to profit themselves at the expense of pressing on the big red self-destruct button of Humanity.
To be honest, I’m amazed at the amount of projection and marginalization that is going on. Instead of looking at ourselves, trying to understand what we are missing in the depths of our psyche that compels us to go against our nature and basic instincts to feed ourselves and our children to such parasites, we blame. Call it Stockholm Syndrome, call it codependency or learned helplessness, whatever the reason is, the network binds are a two-way street. It takes two to tango. And narcissists along with their enabler/victims did not arrive on spaceships on Earth, we created them. By ignoring our children’s needs, rejecting their feelings or completely shutting them down. By over-indulging them and telling that they deserve everything. Then let’s start here. No more lonely, abused, helpless, disoriented children with no sense of boundaries, collective responsibilities and respect. Let’s use inclusion instead of alienation; acceptance and boundaries instead of rejection, blaming and projection. And most importantly it requires us to act as a collective rather than individuals fighting our own battles, if we want to overcome this struggle. Narcissists won’t be devoid of supply as long as they are not outed and they will not check themselves as long as they are not warned by the collective.
If as a society, we cannot figure out what to do with our narcissists within our families, friends and network soon, then there will come a time for us to face the truth.
We have cancer.
References:
1- “Does a narcissism epidemic exist in modern western societies? Comparing narcissism and self-esteem in East and West Germany”, Water et. al., 2018
2 “The Narcissism Epidemic”, Twenge, Campbell, 2009
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