GRIEF

This post is a dark one. 

It is about death. 

(Please do not continue if you are depressed and/or suicidal and seek for help. The following is my personal opinion, journey and does not constitute an advice to anyone.)

I’ve never realized that when we lose a being that is connected to us deeply, we accompany that soul as they pass through the gates of primordial state of existence that transcends our life and time. Our soul connection is like a silver cord that attaches each other during our lifetimes and it does not dissolve instantly after one soul leaves a body, if ever. We accompany them in their journey.

Inevitably, irreversibly, we die with them.

Like a drop of water that fell on the surface of the ocean, we are intricately tied with one another on that surface, so we vibrate together to this new shock together. It creates a ripple effect on the fabric of the universe, every time a soul leaves.

We accompany them, then we return to our body, we have to. For us, their physical death is only the beginning,  a long painful soul death is followed by rebirth, and this whole death and rebirth process is called grieving.

She died. I died.

My beloved daughter / dog has passed.

I stopped breathing. 

I had to teach myself how to breathe again, not unconsciously holding it in and my body gasping for air, driving me to take one long breath and start holding it again.

I stopped eating.

I had to teach myself to eat. Still ongoing. Having anything other than bananas, savory cookies or banana custard cake is an accomplishment in my book. 

I stopped waking up.

I have to teach myself waking up. So far, I haven’t succeeded with that. I simply do not want to wake up to a day where she is not. Basically I prefer spending awakened time in darkness with little amount of sunlit hours, sleeping through most of the day. No, I am not depressed. Simply not quite interested in living at the moment.

I stopped existing.

I quit my job. If I get through this, then it has to be a different life.

I am an avid believer in passing right through the pain and hardships, all in all, they exist for a reason. Death of our loved ones, as unjust as it may seem, exists for a reason. We need to be born again, and reinvent ourselves, our lives. She did not die in vain. I owe my rebirth to her.

Until then, good night.