An Idyllic Moment

(Please do not continue if you are depressed and in such cases immediately seek for help.)

I’ve never realized that when we lose a being that is deeply connected to us, we accompany their soul as they pass through the gates of primordial state of existence that transcends our life and time. Our soul connection with them is like a silver cord that attaches us during our lifetimes, it does not dissolve instantly, if ever. We accompany them in their journey.

Inevitably, irreversibly, we die with them.

Like a drop of water that fell on the surface of the ocean, we are intricately tied with eachother on that surface, so we vibrate together to this new shock together. It creates a ripple effect on the fabric of the universe, every time a soul leaves.

We drop them off, then we return, we have to. For us, their physical death is only the beginning of  a long painful soul death that is followed by rebirth, and this whole death and rebirth process is grieving.

She died. I died.

My beloved daughter, who happened to belong to the dog species has left her physical body.

I stopped breathing. 

I stopped eating.

I stopped waking up.

I stopped existing.

It’s been some months now. 

I had to teach myself how to breathe again. I was unconsciously holding it in, leaving my body gasping for air, driving me to take one long breath to start holding it all over again. It took a month.

I had to teach myself to eat. Still ongoing. Having anything other than bananas, savory cookies or banana custard cake is an accomplishment in my book. 

I have to teach myself to wake up. So far, I haven’t succeeded with that. I simply do not want to wake up to a day where she is not. Basically I prefer living in darkness with little amount of sunlit hours, sleeping through most of the day. No, I am not depressed. Simply not quite as interested in living.

I have quit my job. If I get through this, then it has to be a different life.

I am an avid believer in passing right through the pain and hardships, and all in all, they exist for a reason. Death exists for a reason. We need to be born again, and reinvent ourselves, remember our souls, reshape our lives. She did not die in vain. I owe it to her.

Until then, night.